Why did I take myself off auto pilot? I could have lived in that state for the duration of my life. I wouldn't have been happy, nor sad, nor angry -- I would have just been, existing in a state of blissful ignorance to what lie outside my vicinity.

I miss very few things in my life. I certainly never thought I'd miss not living and being catatonic -- oblivion. I miss my own oblivion.

I will seek in the coming weeks a solace that will allow me to whiddle out how, at such a young age, I was able to simply hibernate my mind and still remain fully functional. I need stability, security, survival, and most of all a life devoid of weakness. Devoid of sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing -- distractions at best -- and just be.

I get tired of some of the shit that happens lately.  Why when the solution is just so effing easy do we have to fight?  You're obviously no longer sleeping as you claim so why can't you just get up so that I can cut your hair like you want me to?  Because you're stubborn.  Point blank period.

'Because you took too long!'  No, I didn't take too long at all, I just took longer than YOU expected I would.  I don't run on your time, honey, I run on my own.  Just because we are dating doesn't mean that our clocks have to synchronize up exactly, do they?  And why the eff did I 'have to have that shit ready' by the time you got home anyways?  Was that a command or a request, by the way?  If it was the former, then we have a problem.  If it was the latter, then I'd be more willing to cooperate.  I am your girlfriend, not your bitch, treat me that way and we'll be good.

And honestly, the real reason you're upset and acting stubborn right now is not because I took too long.  As I was getting ready I could see it on your face that my not talking at the moment was bugging you, but the fact of the matter is that nothing was wrong.  I was not upset, harboring a grudge, nothing of the sort.  I just didn't feel like talking.  I was relaxing.  I had a nice bath, I carefully groomed my hair, I cut my toenails and my fingernails because they needed to be cut.  I feel good and relaxed.  I didn't feel like I had to say anything.  You of all people who go through periods of not saying anything should know exactly how I feel and what I was thinking -- nothing.  A blissful, wondrous nothing.

And now that blissful nothing is gone.  Thanks.

I would want you to know that I am sorry.  I stopped showing you that I loved you and am only now realizing this was a routine I had upheld for months prior to our separating.  I now understand why you wanted so desperately to leave; I am surprised that you stayed a long as you did.  I wish you would have told me somehow because in earnest my only intention was to make you happy.  I didn't realize I was falling short.  I only had your best interests at heart, but these interests weren't made clear to you through my actions.

I have apologized in the past, however, my apology then was not aimed at any specific origin.  It was a generalization to all the hurt I may have caused you.  But now, through self-reflection my apologies have revealed to me their source.  I'm sorry for:

• telling you, "I'm starting to hate you" when we were at our worst.  These words are forever seared into my mind.
• not giving you a birthday gift last year, I should have showed you I cared more.  The guilt of that will never go away.
• not supporting you verbally any longer.  You needed to know that I still believed in you, that I was proud of you.  Instead I took advantage of any opportunity to insert snide remarks that made any existing wounds deeper.
• letting my mother's opinions influence my decisions, my actions, and my words.  Instead of me and you, I let the tides turn to be two against one, and you were out numbered.  I mistakenly thought my mother knew about relationships and how to deal with problems within them.  For some reason, her divorce from my father wasn't any indication to me at the time that I should seek advice elsewhere.  I should have spoken about my problems to you, my lover, instead of whispering about them in the dark.

Although I cannot take responsibility for this, I do have to also apologize for your accident.  I don't think I ever told you the guilt I have felt since the day you were run over by a car.  I was too late in telling you that you could have gone to the ATM on the side of the street we were on rather than having to cross the street.  

I know that our relationship has caused you so many hardships in such a short period of time and that you are wanting to get away from that, away from me, and live a new life, but I am hoping you could forgive me.  Although I don't expect your forgiveness any time soon, I just needed to write this to get it off of my mind.  I don't think I can fully move on from you and this relationship until I know that I have apologized for my wrong doings.  As I said before, I will always carry my guilt with me, but knowing there's a possibility that you have read this, that there is a possibility of forgiveness from you, will hopefully lessen its burden with time.

I do have hope that I will again one day be the recipient of your loving touch, but I understand if I am not.  I am honestly not sure if I deserve it.  Taking into consideration all that I have done to be ashamed of myself for, I don't know if I can hold my head high in front of you again.  You may forgive me, but you may also never forget, and every sideways glance or thoughtful look will immediately make me wonder if you still have wounds from the past; if you could ever fully and unconditionally love me like you once did.  I hope that one day we can end this vicious cycle started some months ago.  This is my wish.  I send it out to the universe so that some day it may come true.

So I have recently decided to get into the world of Internet Marketing although I am not quite sure how I came about this decision initially.  I think maybe given my history of starting web designing at age 13 had a big impact on this, so it's natural progression at least in mine eye.  
 

Of course, any work-at-home type job will have the various scams that you have to weed through but there are three main sites that I am looking into to get my feet wet in this industry.  They are as follows:

• The Challenge
• Internet Marketing Tips
• Chris Farrell Membership

Now I put these in the order I am most interested in and I will tell you my reasoning.  The Challenge's slogan is as follows: "there is no charge for awesomeness" and if your first guess was that this site is free, then you are correct.  After signing up to enable them to send you emails you will be directed to the training area where their current program is separated into seven modules with seven videos in each -- they refer to this set up as "7x7x7."  Although this makes me think of a cube and its volume equation (primarily because of my inherent geekiness), this concept is rather brilliant and is presented in easy to grasp chunks that ANYONE can master.  The creators included the second (or third, I'm not sure) '7' to relate to you that there is no rush behind learning these concepts so they built-in a 7 day break that each person is recommended to take in between each module.  This is completely optional considering these videos are like one-bite brownies and are all pre-recorded so there is no limit to how quickly you absorb and use the information given to you.
 

Internet Marketing Tips was created by Corey Rudl and costs $2.95 for a 30-day trial.  After the free trial you are given the option of buying this product for $197.00, soooo I suggest you study hard those first 30 days, cool?  And yes, this site does look a little sketch, but things to look for are:

1. The name endorsing the product (Corey Rudl was/is well respected in the internet marketing community).
2. They offer a 100% money back guarentee.
3. Google ranks them well (6/10).

And honestly you should only pay the $2.95 for the 30-day trial for Internet Marketing Tips because if you follow the Challenge you will learn most of the stuff taught with the exception of Steps 2, 3, and 6 (explained on the website).
 

The Chris Farrell Membership looks rather gimmicky as well, but keep in mind these people are all about the marketing and sales so they revolve around their words, not their artistic visions, or lack thereof.  But my honest opinion is if you go through the first two you should not need to resort to this last one.  It has good information, but I would not say it is well organized at all.  It has similar information to Internet Marketing Tips but for a higher trial period price of $4.95, and (as if the name didn't tell you already) you would need a monthly payment of $37.00 to maintain your membership.

I suppose my plan of action is that I will continue with The Challenge until I have completed each module and feel as if I know the material by heart.  Then move on to Internet Marketing Tips' free trial for $2.95 to learn the information The Challenge left out and any other advanced techniques.  To me this sounds solid, I'll be spending $2.95 to learn everything I need to know and from which I can grow from.
 

Well that's all folks!  I was just telling someone, albeit an inanimate someone, about my current projects and I will keep you updated on my success or dissatisfaction with the material.

 

Bust a move.

I truly hate my life today.
In fact, I hate it everyday.
No time to whine,
To fit and pine
For dreams I dreamt away.
I truly hate my life today.